Does Your Soul Seek A Larger Life than the One You’re Living?

Are You Living Your Own Life? Why Midlife is Your Soul’s Wake-Up Call

By Lorrie Kazan (Commentary on James Hollis, PH.D.’s Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life)

Ever feel like something’s missing, even when everything seems to be going “right”? Or perhaps you’re approaching age 35, and a quiet whisper inside is starting to get louder? If so, then psychoanalyst James Hollis’s book, Finding Meaning in the Second Half of Life: How to Finally Really Grow Up, might just be the conversation your soul is craving.

As Jungians define it, “midlife” often begins around age 35. But you don’t need to be there yet to benefit from Hollis’s profound insights. He masterfully illuminates the journey we undertake as souls, posing a series of piercing questions that life itself seems to ask us.

Life’s Big Questions: Is Your Soul Calling?

Hollis suggests our lives are constantly posing questions, urging us towards deeper understanding. Here are just a few that might resonate with you:

• What truly brought you to this moment in your life?
• Whose life have you really been living?
• Why, even when things are good, does something feel “off”?
• Why do disappointments and betrayals seem to hit so hard?
• What are you hiding, from others and from yourself?
• Does life feel like a pre-written script you had little say in?
• Why does the idea of your “soul” both trouble and feel deeply familiar?
• Is the life you’re living simply too small for your soul’s true desires?
• Is now the time to finally answer the call to a “second, larger life”?

If these questions hit home, chances are you’re already engaged in this crucial process of self-discovery.

Beyond Fitting In: The Soul’s True Purpose

The very word “psychology” has “psyche” – the Greek word for soul – at its root. Yet, Hollis argues that modern psychotherapy often misses this vital connection. Its focus, he suggests, can become about helping clients simply “fit in” rather than truly uncovering who they are and why they are here.

As the great depth psychologist Carl Jung famously said, “We all walk around in shoes too small for us.” Hollis echoes this, noting that “Virtually all of us lack a deep sense of permission to lead our own lives.” We’ve learned early on to please others, to avoid punishment or abandonment, often at the cost of our authentic selves.

This is why a midlife crisis might manifest as external changes like a new car or a younger partner, but a persistent feeling of dissatisfaction remains. The deeper spiritual call is being drowned out.

When Suffering Becomes a Summons

Hollis offers a powerful perspective on suffering: “Suffering is the first clue that something [within] is soliciting our attention.” Whether it appears as depression, anxiety, chronic discontent, or even a sense of betrayal (from others or even our own bodies), these symptoms are not just problems to be fixed. For Jungians, they are a summons to “stand in the presence of our own mystery, and become more fully responsible for who we are.”

The “terror” in this, Hollis admits, is that it often “asks us to surrender the ego’s agenda of security and emotional reinforcement, in favor of humbling service to the soul’s intent.” This means letting go of the constant need to please others and chase external validation, and instead, listening to a deeper, inner voice.

If we ignore this call for introspection, the psyche might find other ways to get our attention – perhaps through physical illness or by compelling us to “act out” the fantasy of an unlived life.

The Power of Projection: Understanding Our Relationships

Why do we keep repeating patterns in relationships? Why are we drawn to people or situations that, in hindsight, seem destined for disaster? Hollis delves into “projection” and “transference” – unconscious processes where we overlay our past experiences and primal issues onto present moments and people.

Think of “love at first sight.” As analyst Marie-Louise von Franz calls it, we enter a “love flu” phase, projecting an idealized “magical other” onto someone. Remember Tom Cruise’s “You complete me” in Jerry Maguire? This initial feeling of being “completed” often masks a deeper, unaddressed need within ourselves. When the projection lifts, disillusionment can set in.

“No one can see their own backside,” Jung noted, meaning we often can’t see our own unconscious patterns. But our lives and relationships can mirror situations we haven’t yet mastered, offering us the chance to “wake up, take responsibility and become conscious.”

The Soul’s Journey: From Adaptation to Authenticity

From childhood, we’re conditioned to believe we’re small and dependent, learning to “please and accommodate” for safety. But as we mature, a crucial shift must occur. Our “task is to ask what the psyche [soul] wants, not what the parents want, not what the parent complexes want.” This is about risking a “larger journey” for ourselves.

Hollis calls much of our guilt-driven or compliant behavior “anxiety management.” The soul, he argues, “has no interest in social adaptation.” In a healthy family, each member’s growth and freedom would be supported, rather than serving the narcissistic needs of others. This foundation would empower us to live from “inner verification” rather than merely conforming to a “neurotic culture.”

Embracing the “Dark Wood” for Wisdom

The second half of life, particularly after 35, involves an “overthrow of the ego’s understanding of the world.” This can bring “confusion, disorientation, boredom, depression, disappointment.” But critically, Hollis asserts these difficult states are intended to move us towards healing and wholeness. Our suffering, when worked through, can lead to “wisdom, depth, dignity, and ultimately spiritual enlargement.”

This journey, likened to Dante’s “dark wood,” is our midlife passage through the unknown. The ancient myths teach us: the only way out is through. We descend into darkness to ultimately ascend into light.

By midlife, we’ve lived, learned, and hopefully developed emotional resilience. If we don’t have the courage to embark on this profound self-exploration now, then when? As Jung warned, “What we refuse to examine will come back to us as fate.”

The invitation is clear: The second half of life isn’t about winding down; it’s about finally, truly growing up and answering the deepest call of your soul.